As I wrap up my Hawaii visit, I started thinking about sex (surprise) and how we approach it. In the book "The Four Agreements," author Don Miguel Ruiz lays out four paths to personal freedom. If you haven't read it yet, please do. Ruiz offers four great "laws" for living, but what if we transported those same practices into our loving spaces to experience more AMAZING sex?
The first agreement and arguably the most difficult, both in life and in love, is to "be impeccable with your word." As a whole, people aren't often communicative enough in sex, so practicing this first one will not come easily. Clients often come to me with a negative word about their own sexual selves and sometimes about their partners sex. If I could challenge you to move into the first agreement to stop speaking AGAINST your sex. Say what you want, what you like and what you need in and from sex. The words we speak set our intention, and in sex magic we move our intention into our sexual energy and orgasm so that we can manifest what we want in life. Say what you feel and say what you mean!
The second agreement, which Oprah finds to be the most challenging, is "don't take anything personally." You are responsible for your own actions and your own feelings, not those of others. One of the reasons we fear expression is because we worry about the receivers feelings, when we shouldn't be. If you are told by a lover that they don't like a thing you do sexually, that is their reality and not yours, so don't get in your feelings. Sex is such a deeply personal experience, that leaves us vulnerable to our partners, it easy to start thinking that it's you, but listen to them. This second agreement has helped me to go deeper in sex, and experience more passionate orgasms as I have moved away from the fear of connection. For a long time, I was terrified of falling in love with a partner who didn't reciprocate the love. My love is free now and my sex is awesome, simply because my love doesn't come with a caveat of being loved back. Even though as Teddy Pendegrass once crooned, "it's so good, loving somebody when somebody loves you back," I no longer take it personally if you don't. My love is a gift. You are welcome!
You know what happens when you assume? The third agreement helps you to keep it simple: don't make assumptions. Don't assume your partner does or doesn't wants sex. Don't assume they want sex that way. Don't assume she can't have a vaginal orgasm. Don't assume she's wet enough. If there is any agreement that should be framed and put above your bed as your personal sexual mantra it is THIS one. You see, if you are making an assumption, we take it personally when we are wrong. Ask the questions, it's sexy. We are constantly evolving sexually, so the more you ask about your partners sexual pleasure, the better the sex will be! Sex Bonus: Help your partner not assume by expressing yourself more freely!
Finally, the fourth agreement (and my personal favorite), "always do your best." No, really. DO YOUR BEST. Nothing kills desire for sex like mediocre sex. Osho says "sex has to be a meditation and you have to learn the art of it." Many of us learned sex from either trial by fire or from porn, and we think we are doing our best. Your best sex is the sex you have the capacity for. So go out and see a sex coach (I am available), read up on sex, and learn how to be the best sex partner you can be.