Last night, a close friend and I talked sex over craft beers, as we so often do and I was reminded of how hard it is to tell someone you love that what they are doing is wrong.

Just imagine: your partner is perfect for you in almost every way. You love being in their company, their energy screams soulmate, and you love all of the same things, from that recent best seller to the salt and pepper popcorn weirdness. There is just one problem; sex with them sucks. It's not always bad, but more often than not you aren't experiencing ANY type of orgasm, and you find yourself glancing at the clock only to find out that minutes are longer than ever. 

Too often, I am meeting with a new client dealing with this at home. The idea of leaving the partner occasionally comes to mind,  but the bad sex is with their best friend, and since at least one partner has never been satisfied, bringing it up now somehow does not seem right. I know this all too well, as one of my marriages was plagued with bad sex, but I pretended to enjoy it the first few times and I felt trapped in that lie. Eventually you feel as if you are faced with two options: cheat or leave. 

There is a third option: HONESTY. There is no reason for bad sex except that at least one partner is afraid to hurt the other feelings or have their own feelings hurt. I am going to let you in on a little gem: NO ONE has ever DIED from HURT FEELINGS. Living an unfulfilled sex life, an inauthentic whole life, all because you're afraid of feeling something is ridiculous.
Consensual sexual activity should be enjoyable, and if it is not, you have the right to withdraw consent. You get to say, I would like to stop this activity because I am not getting anything from it. I want you to feel empowered to express yourself fully with anyone that you feel comfortable enough to get naked with. You are already vulnerable, why not be honest? Release the lie that it's ok, and make steps towards mindblowing.

You can use your adult words, you can use your hands, you can take the lead and dominate, but don't take bad sex lying down. To prepare you to have a more fulfilled sexual experience, here are a few suggestions to get started expressing yourself in the bed.

1. Don't stay quiet. Ask questions like "do you like this" or "does this feel good" to check in with your partner and let them know it's ok to share their opinions. Likewise, tell them "that feels good" OR "this is uncomfortable" when it's appropriate.
2. Use your hands. Guide your partner around your body. If they are moving too fast, a firmly placed grip can be helpful in slowing them down. Prefer light touch? Offer light touch to your partner by gently running your fingers down their spine or arms so they can experience it. We tend to mirror each other, naturally, in sex. 
3. Take Control. Being the "lover on top" can put you in the drivers seat, allowing you to control how much movement is being made, speed, intensity and more. It doesn't matter your sexual "role" as you or your partner can always top from the bottom. 
4. Masturbate. You can't teach anyone how to love on you if you don't know how to love on your own self. Having a regular masturbation practice will empower you to tell your lovers where to go and how to get there. Plus, it just feels good to touch yourself!

For more tips stay tuned to my newsletter and podcast for upcoming learning opportunities.

​Hugs & Bliss
Amina

Hey! I just wanted to let you know that I am featured on the “Who Do You Kink You Are?” podcast! I had a blast being interviewed and I would love for you to check it out and let me know what you think! You can listen to the podcast on iTunes here: 

​https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/who-do-you-kink-you-are/id1250277914?mt=2# 

About The Podcast:
Who Do You Kink You are is all about sex, relationships and kink. This podcast aims to normalize the conversation around sex. We believe that there’s no such thing as normal and everyone deserves to feel comfortable, explore their desires and speak up for what they want. We encourage everyone to ask why they like something and be able to speak about it freely. As women of color, we know what it feels like when everyone else is talking about the sex we should and shouldn’t be having. By sharing our stories and inviting guests to share theirs, we show a variety of sexual interests and relationship styles. Instagram: @WhoDoYouKinkYouAre Twitter: @WDYKYAPodcast