How to tell your partner that it's time to fix it or see other people
Last night, a close friend and I talked sex over craft beers, as we so often do and I was reminded of how hard it is to tell someone you love that what they are doing is wrong.
Just imagine: your partner is perfect for you in almost every way. You love being in their company, their energy screams soulmate, and you love all of the same things, from that recent best seller to the salt and pepper popcorn weirdness. There is just one problem; sex with them sucks. It's not always bad, but more often than not you aren't experiencing ANY type of orgasm, and you find yourself glancing at the clock only to find out that minutes are longer than ever.
Too often, I am meeting with a new client dealing with this at home. The idea of leaving the partner occasionally comes to mind, but the bad sex is with their best friend, and since at least one partner has never been satisfied, bringing it up now somehow does not seem right. I know this all too well, as one of my marriages was plagued with bad sex, but I pretended to enjoy it the first few times and I felt trapped in that lie. Eventually you feel as if you are faced with two options: cheat or leave.
"If all genders are not on board with the concept that consensual sexual activity is enjoyable and fulfilling, we will not make any headway."
There is a third option: HONESTY. There is no reason for bad sex except that at least one partner is afraid to hurt the other feelings or have their own feelings hurt. I am going to let you in on a little gem: NO ONE has ever DIED from HURT FEELINGS. Living an unfulfilled sex life, an inauthentic whole life, all because you're afraid of feeling something is ridiculous.
Consensual sexual activity should be enjoyable, and if it is not, you have the right to withdraw consent. You get to say, I would like to stop this activity because I am not getting anything from it. I want you to feel empowered to express yourself fully with anyone that you feel comfortable enough to get naked with. You are already vulnerable, why not be honest? Release the lie that it's ok, and make steps towards mindblowing.
You can use your adult words, you can use your hands, you can take the lead and dominate, but don't take bad sex lying down. To prepare you to have a more fulfilled sexual experience, here are a few suggestions to get started expressing yourself in the bed.
For more tips stay tuned to my newsletter and podcast for upcoming learning opportunities.
Hugs & Bliss
Hey! I just wanted to let you know that I am featured on the “Who Do You Kink You Are?” podcast! I had a blast being interviewed and I would love for you to check it out and let me know what you think! You can listen to the podcast on iTunes here:
About The Podcast:
Who Do You Kink You are is all about sex, relationships and kink. This podcast aims to normalize the conversation around sex. We believe that there’s no such thing as normal and everyone deserves to feel comfortable, explore their desires and speak up for what they want. We encourage everyone to ask why they like something and be able to speak about it freely. As women of color, we know what it feels like when everyone else is talking about the sex we should and shouldn’t be having. By sharing our stories and inviting guests to share theirs, we show a variety of sexual interests and relationship styles. Instagram: @WhoDoYouKinkYouAre Twitter: @WDYKYAPodcast
As I wrap up my Hawaii visit, I started thinking about sex (surprise) and how we approach it. In the book "The Four Agreements," author Don Miguel Ruiz lays out four paths to personal freedom. If you haven't read it yet, please do. Ruiz offers four great "laws" for living, but what if we transported those same practices into our loving spaces to experience more AMAZING sex?
The first agreement and arguably the most difficult, both in life and in love, is to "be impeccable with your word." As a whole, people aren't often communicative enough in sex, so practicing this first one will not come easily. Clients often come to me with a negative word about their own sexual selves and sometimes about their partners sex. If I could challenge you to move into the first agreement to stop speaking AGAINST your sex. Say what you want, what you like and what you need in and from sex. The words we speak set our intention, and in sex magic we move our intention into our sexual energy and orgasm so that we can manifest what we want in life. Say what you feel and say what you mean!
The second agreement, which Oprah finds to be the most challenging, is "don't take anything personally." You are responsible for your own actions and your own feelings, not those of others. One of the reasons we fear expression is because we worry about the receivers feelings, when we shouldn't be. If you are told by a lover that they don't like a thing you do sexually, that is their reality and not yours, so don't get in your feelings. Sex is such a deeply personal experience, that leaves us vulnerable to our partners, it easy to start thinking that it's you, but listen to them. This second agreement has helped me to go deeper in sex, and experience more passionate orgasms as I have moved away from the fear of connection. For a long time, I was terrified of falling in love with a partner who didn't reciprocate the love. My love is free now and my sex is awesome, simply because my love doesn't come with a caveat of being loved back. Even though as Teddy Pendegrass once crooned, "it's so good, loving somebody when somebody loves you back," I no longer take it personally if you don't. My love is a gift. You are welcome!
You know what happens when you assume? The third agreement helps you to keep it simple: don't make assumptions. Don't assume your partner does or doesn't wants sex. Don't assume they want sex that way. Don't assume she can't have a vaginal orgasm. Don't assume she's wet enough. If there is any agreement that should be framed and put above your bed as your personal sexual mantra it is THIS one. You see, if you are making an assumption, we take it personally when we are wrong. Ask the questions, it's sexy. We are constantly evolving sexually, so the more you ask about your partners sexual pleasure, the better the sex will be! Sex Bonus: Help your partner not assume by expressing yourself more freely!
Finally, the fourth agreement (and my personal favorite), "always do your best." No, really. DO YOUR BEST. Nothing kills desire for sex like mediocre sex. Osho says "sex has to be a meditation and you have to learn the art of it." Many of us learned sex from either trial by fire or from porn, and we think we are doing our best. Your best sex is the sex you have the capacity for. So go out and see a sex coach (I am available), read up on sex, and learn how to be the best sex partner you can be.
Life's most persistent and urgent question is "what are you doing for others"
-Martin Luther King, Jr.
In service to others. That is my mantra as a sacred sex worker. My service to you in tantra is an act of devotion to the divine feminine as well as to release the grace of the Goddess through sexual worship. My service to the universe is to act as a guide, releasing stigma of sex and sensuality through loving touch and meditation. The sacred and the sexual are kept so separate in western ideology and the division is affecting us in so many ways. It shows up in the way we interact with others, the way we connect, and the way we express ourselves. As a society, we are unraveling trying to navigate through spaces separately, but there is a sexual revolution working to change that. The word 'tantra' means 'to weave' or 'to expand' and I am working to weave together love, sexuality and spirituality in a way that is foreign, but needed.
In a recent discussion, I came to realize how much we not only separate the spiritual and the sexual, but how much we only see intimacy through the lens of sex and intercourse. So much of my practice is sensual in nature, and in my eyes sensuality is sex, not the act of intercourse... so I started wondering: how can I do more to help transcend the desire for intercourse as a form of sexual expression.
I am excited to announce a new offering for 2018: Tantra Touch IV
This 2 hour session includes all of the loving goodness of Tantra Touch II, but also opens and closes with a guided meditation. After cleansing the body with water, I will guide you through a chakra check in and visualization before moving into intentional, intimate touch. As I move across your body, I will go deeper than the muscles, moving through your chakras awakening sexual energy throughout. Pulling the sacred energy from your genitals, you will experience bliss beyond orgasm, releasing blockages before returning to a healing touch to close the body and level out. In my embrace, we will close with a guided meditation to complete the session based on the following mantra:
"I am a goddess of pleasure. All acts of love are my rituals.
By appointment only
West Midtown Atlanta Incall daily: 9a - 7p
Atlanta Metro & Oahu Outcall: Hours Vary
Currently in Atlanta
Oakland, CA: February 26-28
Charlotte, NC: March 5-7
Hawaii: March 19-31